The PWF Bar - Gaping Void of the Internet - Ménage à Trois

Exciting adventures in meat space.
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Re: The PWF Bar - Gaping Void of the Internet - Ménage à Tro

Postby Prey » Fri Jun 30, 2017 9:19 pm

UPDATE! The 62 year old owner was located and lives but 2 miles away and it seems his dog chased a cat out of the house and got lost somehow ending up in my possession. Rusty as he is now known is safe and well and back at home where he belongs with his owner. I've offered my services once a fortnight to go over and take him for a proper walk around Heaton Park as the old fella apparently hasn't got the legs for it and can only make it round the block. He is obviously eternally grateful. Lovely owner. Lovely dog.
Her face is tired. Leave her be ffs.

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Re: The PWF Bar - Gaping Void of the Internet - Ménage à Tro

Postby Sly Boots » Fri Jun 30, 2017 9:27 pm

Got to love a happy ending :)
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Re: The PWF Bar - Gaping Void of the Internet - Ménage à Tro

Postby Snowy » Sat Jul 01, 2017 8:47 am

Yes indeed, and Dave gets to stay in contact with the pooch :)
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Re: The PWF Bar - Gaping Void of the Internet - Ménage à Tro

Postby Eny » Sat Jul 01, 2017 11:21 am

Of course, Cat lovers would say the cat was the real hero of that story....¬_¬

That is great news, that dog means the world to that chap, I can tell you now. Anything you can do to help him out will be most generous of you. Good job.
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Re: The PWF Bar - Gaping Void of the Internet - Ménage à Tro

Postby Raid » Sat Jul 01, 2017 3:31 pm

No cat owner would ever say that a cat was a hero.

I have two cats. Cats are just not hero material.

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Re: The PWF Bar - Gaping Void of the Internet - Ménage à Tro

Postby Wolfy » Thu Jul 06, 2017 10:45 am

Hello there. I've been tinkering with this one in my drafts for a while but here's a bit of a story about something that happened to me.

A few months ago, I double-booked myself into missing footy in order to go to the pictures to see Guardians Of The Galaxy 2 with my girlfriend, her sister and nephew. Fair enough, really. Honestly, I wasn't disappointed because City were annoyingly shite at the time anyway. So, fuck it, yeah, why not. My mind permanent-markered it in.

However, a couple of days before then I got a text off my girlfriend saying someone from her school had died and she would like to go to the funeral on that Saturday to pay her respects. I mean, of course I'll come, no problem whatsoever.

"He's muslim and it's in a mosque"

...Okay. Okay, no problem. It's cool. I don't know what a muslim funeral entails but we're just going for the service so we won't be there long enough for me to get something wrong and show myself up. She tells me her friend and friend's husband (who is muslim) is coming, so we can basically follow them and take their lead. This is welcome because I'm making the point here that I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M SUPPOSED TO DO.

So that's the context. That is all I knew before it.

So on the Saturday, she drives us to the mosque. We get there early, park up and I get to watch the first half of the football on my phone in the car so that's a good thing. Whilst we wait for my girlfriend's friend to show up, I notice that as people start to arrive, nobody is really dressed up. Like, everyone is geared up in tracksuits or the standard long dressy-garb things. I'm sat there with a white shirt and black tie feeling equally under and over dressed for the event. Ah well, it's fine.

We eventually decide to get out of the car (it's halftime at the footy so I'm satisfied) and wait outside the mosque for her friend. As we walk into the car park, I notice the "LADIES ONLY" and "MEN ONLY" signs. Oh no. We have to separate. So now, I'm at a funeral of someone I don't know and now I find I'm effectively on my own. At this point, I'm a little worried.

Eventually, girlfriend's friend arrived with Husband in tow. Almost immediately I started to plead with Husband, "CAN I COME WITH YOU? I don't know what to do!".

He smiled. I smiled but I wasn't joking. He agreed.

So then we separate. My girlfriend and her friend went in one entrance, her friend's husband and I went in the other.

I'm gonna copy everything he does. I'm gonna copy the shit outta him. No way I'm gonna look stupid. Nuh uh.

We walked into the building. He took his shoes off in the entrance, so I took my shoes off in the entrance.

He walked into the main area, I walked into the main area.

He went for a bit of a pray on the carpet, I wen-
Oh. I'll just, uh, wait here.

I stood at the back.

A few minutes later, a guy came up to me and asked me if I would like a seat or do I want to go on the carpet. Right now, in hindsight, I know the guy was giving me the opportunity to step to one side. I see Husband and - for some inexplicable reason - I decide it will be better to sit next to him... on the carpet.

So there I was, sat on the carpet, cross-legged like a school child.

Ah, this isn't so bad. They'll do their service, we'll get up and I'll be out in no time!

To a certain extent, it was just that. The man at the front did a little service, talked about the guy who died and then recited some story about a guy who murder 99 people or something. I don't know. I switched off a little.

So when the man wrapped that little story up, I was ready to go but then the guy said "If you could get in lines closer to the front please". Sure. No problem. We get in line but in the melee I lose Husband. Ah well, whatever this is, it won't be long. We all bunch up and get in rows.

"Allahu Akbar"

Oh no. I've got trapped in a prayer.

Now, at this point, anybody else would've gone "Oh no, I'm sorry, I've got in the wrong bit", got uo and left.

No, not I!

I'm still in copy mode. I pull my sleeves up and get stuck in. Whatever they do, I copy expertly. Like an elaborate Simon Says, I'm all over it. On every verse, I took a little look around to see if I have to do this one. Yes. Yes I do.

This went on for an eternity. All the while, I was feeling my phone buzz in my pocket. Knowing full well they were goal updates for the match I was missing, I wipe away an invisible tear and continue with the 'heads, shoulders, knees and toes' game.

After eternity finally passed, we got up. I turned around and started to walk out.

All the non-muslims were at the back so I could've just gone there and respectfully observed but not got involved. As the penny dropped that I had done a pray for nothing, I power-walked straight out of the building, picking up my shoes without breaking stride.

I found my girlfriend and her friend in the car park. Husband joined us. I told them this story whilst I buried my face in my hands. We had a laugh at my expense.

We waited around for a bit but I was quite sure why. Then we figured out that the men were going to the burial whilst the women stayed behind and have scran. The mother of the guy that died came out and asked my girlfriend to come back in for food as she must eat something before she leaves. Apparently that's what you do, so no worries. They nearly got me inside but I could tell the mother was really apprehensive about me going in so I said I'll just wait in the car park.

Now, if she was going inside, there was no way I was going to the burial. Not a chance. I decided to just wait in the car park whilst girlfriend goes back in and fills her face.

As we headed around the side of the mosque, the mother spotted me and asked me why I wasn't going to the burial.

"No, no. It's okay. I'm just waiting here for my girlfriend"
"Well, there's an extra seat in the car."
"No, no. It's okay."

She shouted the driver, "Could you take this gentlemen to the burial?"

"But... My girlfriend..."

So, I get bundled into a car and I immediately realised I was in the same car as the dead guy's dad.

As they started to drive, I realised that I wasn't going to get there without sweet sweet awkward silence.

"How did you know my boy?"
"I.. I... didn't. My, uh-"
My mind went blank. I forgot how words work.
"My, uh... partner went to school with him"
"Oh, your partner? ... so, what did you think of the service?"
"Oh, it was lovely, yeah. You can see so many people liked him for such a big turn out."
"Well, we're a very accepting religion, we hope you felt welcome"
"Oh I did, yeah"
"How long have you been with your partner for?"
"Oh, about 4 months now but we've known each other about 9 years"
"What's he called?"
"Oh no, it's a, uh, girl"

They thought I was gay. I must have that air about me, I guess.

We got to the burial site and it was absolutely rammed. Must've been a hundred in a line from the hearse to the grave. As soon as the father stepped foot into the cemetery they got the casket out of the hearse and passed it along like a long snaking wooden stage dive.

Once the casket was put in the grave, I realised that everyone takes a turn to bury. So, I was at a funeral getting getting ready to bury someone I don't even know. Almost immediately, as if she knew, my girlfriend text me.

"You okay?"

I nothing more than send her my location.

"How you getting back?"
"I don't know. I got bundled into a car and before I know it, I'm here"

Because really, there was no reasonable way to get back as I went in the dad's car. I couldn't just go "hey, I know you're burying your son and everything but could you take me back?".

After my girlfriend took the piss and bragged mercilessly about the food she had, she asked if I wanted a lift.


So there I was, in the middle of a cemetery that I've never been to in a queue to bury someone I didn't even know what they looked like desperately hoping my girlfriend gets here in time before I actually have to get on there and dig.

With 4 people to go, they finished burying the guy. I'm not even sure if the thing formally finished but I ran away. I literally ran away.

My girlfriend showed up, I pretty much dived into the car and got greeted by, "learn to say 'No'".

I was cold, hungry and a little traumatised.

So that happened.
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Re: The PWF Bar - Gaping Void of the Internet - Ménage à Tro

Postby Animalmother » Thu Jul 06, 2017 11:33 am

"Yes, Aahil?"
"Do you see that white guy? He keeps looking around and sweating, seems really nervous.."
"You think..he might be a terrorist!?"
"Think we should call the cops?.."


"Ah no worries, it's just Abdee's gay mate paying his respects"
"Ah that's nice of him"

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Re: The PWF Bar - Gaping Void of the Internet - Ménage à Tro

Postby Sly Boots » Thu Jul 06, 2017 12:04 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol:

See, this is why I never, ever volunteer for anything.
My face is tired.


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